Feel Empty…

We spend our whole time wishing for nothing to do, the chance to laze on the sofa all day in front of crappy, soul-crushing daytime TV but when the opportunity finally arises, I come to realise that it truly is the very last thing I want. I just enjoy wishing for nothing to do. I don’t actually want to experience nothing to do. At least not for longer than 15 minutes. But at the moment this is the predicament I’m faced with. A kind of ‘in between life’ if you will. A life that feels to me like it hasn’t really gotten started, like I’m waiting for something to begin and I feel agitated and unsatisfied that it hasn’t.

I have just completed my first year at university and summer has begun. Don’t get me wrong, I realise how very blessed and lucky I am to be able to go to university and have a pretty good life on the whole — I’m not moaning about my life. What I’m talking about is a feeling a little bit like what I imagine a midlife crisis to feel like. My first year at university was, truth be told, pretty much pointless. It wasn’t pointless in the sense that it gave me time to settle in to a totally new environment, time to forge good relationships with people that I will hopefully know for the rest of my life and time to adjust to a system of learning that is very different to A levels. However, it was pointless in the sense that really, I achieved very little. I made no money, any exam results I receive in the next week don’t go towards my degree and I am now in debt. I had a blast along the way, of course, but even so, there is certainly a sense of worthlessness that I feel now and then. Like a nagging ebb and flow.

One of the things I’ve learnt at university, is that us ‘kids’ don’t just want to do nothing. Far from the stereotype that we’d love nothing better than be given a loan to doss about on, we are actually ambitious creatures that need to be challenged. And our first year at uni hasn’t challenged us. My friends can vouch for that. And after a million and one attempts to get journalism work experience, I have managed to secure just one week with a local newspaper and that is all. On top of that, I don’t start my waitressing work for a few weeks.

My mum says I should cherish these days, and I’m desperately trying to. I realise that I will probably never have days like these again, with no responsibilities and very little stress. So why am I craving those two things? Why do I feel empty and worthless and like I don’t really have any purpose?

Feeling such emotions, and then reading copious articles in the press about degrees being pointless and unemployment levels rising it makes everything seem trivial. I feel lost. I want to be needed somewhere, I want my work to matter, I want to achieve something fantastic and at the moment that isn’t happening. I sure hope it does soon. In the meantime, I’m going to try and enjoy lazy days and store them in the memory bank for the days when I’m stressed out of my mind and just want to kick back with Trisha.