Fail At Life!
If you want to cock up an exam royally, then here are a few easy steps:
Get out of bed at 8:15 when your exam starts at 9:00
Don’t leave the house until 8:40, when the walk to university takes around 20 minutes when *walking fast*
Run frantically towards the room you should be in, a fag hanging out of your mouth, your face quickly getting redder and redder
Stressfully burst into the examination room at 9:10, just as the moderator says “You may now begin writing” and panic as you run up and down the aisles trying to find your seat
Look down at your paper and see all the questions you were hoping to get, and decide you’re not going to choose any of them because everybody will do that and you want to stand out
Leave just 15 minutes to begin writing your second essay which should take one hour
Exit the examination room feeling flustered and head straight to the nearest bar at 11am for two gin and tonics
This was what happened to my friend Emma, and I hope she doesn’t mind me using her as material. Her coming back to the house and yelling “I’ve f***ed it!” and proceeding to tell us this story had me in stitches and sounds like the stuff of comedy sketches.